May 4, 2009 CROSS training

surgery: 28 days ago
blood flow: Levitra 3 times a week, 20mg
adult pads: as required, 4-6 per day
exercise: 2 mile per day walking, 300 kegels
follow up: 6 weeks (5/27 Orlando)
psa test: (5/14)

Great news; I have been cleared to begin exercise! Docs orders; take it slow, build-up to where you were prior to surgery and if there's any pain or blood (that is your body telling you too much too soon.)

CROSS training begins!

Where to begin, the spiritual CROSStraining; the emotions, the struggles, the talking, the support, the healing and the CROSS. I cannot begin to explain the range of emotions I have experienced during phase 1 "pre-op" and phase 2 "post-op or recovery." Last blog entry I began to experience some feelings of encouragement but over the past two weeks while my head felt right the disappointments continued. Honestly the problem is "I want control, I need control," this is my CROSS to bear and God in his infinite supremacy isn't ready for me to have control. (Ironic how control has specific meanings in this walk.) I believe that one of God's several messages is that this recovery process is about his timing and not mine. Again control. I just thank God that He recognizes us a fallible being and that He forgives us on a daily basis for our sinful nature.

The physical retraining has been slow for me; my earthly vessel is healed inside and out, my potency seems normal, while the continence is quite apparent drip-by-drip. Again "I want control, I need control," and it just isn't working out for me yet. I'm told it's takes time and that this too shall pass. I find it quite humorous that something so simple and trivial in the life of a healthy man has become some overbearingly consuming in the life of a "control junkie." No control for the one who craves control....lol. It really is irony at it's best. I cannot provide much clinical information except for an approximation of say 50% continence to date. I cannot leave home without extra pads.

So as I begin to retrain my athletic being; more struggles, more emotions and more walking. All the anxiety of the first bike ride, the first run and the first swim have been building. How would it feel on the bike seat, how would the gait be during the run and how would the stretching of each stroke feel. Interestingly enough the 43-mile bike ride was easy, the 45-minute swim was harder and the 6-mile run was excruciating. Did I mention that "I want control of my athletic recovery?" Again God showed me that I could have some of my normalcy back but it wasn't quite His timing for me to have it all back. I didn't nor wasn't prepared for how hard running (what just 29 days ago was second nature) would become. Accompanied by the searing Florida heat and humidity only makes it that much tougher.

As it feels like nothing is going right, I attempt to put it all in perspective, comparing it to Job who lost everything. Do I really have a right to whine. I mean I'm cancer free, I'm healthy, I have; an incredible wife, loving children, loving family, great friends, great church and a heavenly Father who loves me.

I guess I'm seeking that "AHA" moment that puts all of this into perspective for me, my family, my friends and you. If any of you see it or hear it, feel free to let me it on it. But until then I will continue to CROSStrain and wait on God's timing the best I can.